


Cut the Strings

by akgerhardt



Series: SFW [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Additional doomed/pre-retcon timeline exploration, Canon-Compliant Retcon, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Healing, In Context of The Homestuck Epilogues/Meat or Candy, M/M, Mental Illnesses, Mentions of Past Abuse + Traumas + Suicide, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-01-23 20:49:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 12,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18557593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: "Believe it or not, you don't have everything figured out. I've been up to my ass in your philosophical duality schtick long enough to know that it's bs. There’s way, way more gray to the game than the chess dudes make it out to be.... What I'm saying is it doesn't have to be black or white. Do you want more ironic metaphors to get the gears turning? 'Cause-""No; they're turning. It just sits worse than a sugar-coated steak.""Hey, no one said you *had* to eat that shit."





	1. Chapter 1

His name is Dave, and he's rusty from years of retirement but he'd probably hate time travel this much even if he hadn't stopped using his powers. He thinks it's equivalent to walking across a floor of flaming legos. What he's trying to convey is that, unlike most things, it doesn't get any easier or less unpleasant. 

That being said, he'll still do it to try to fix this "perfect" universe. He has to. Man, fuck Ultimate Selves and whatever omnipotent bastard decided that they should even be a thing. This game never gave a flying fuck about the wellbeing of its players.

_You’re going to fail._

"Yeah, maybe. Wouldn’t be the first time."

 _You've got it fucking made! Just sit put and live your life- you know, the one I crafted painstakingly for you._ _Would you really throw it all away for this bullshit?_

"Quit riding my Dirk, dude..."

_I didn't think you'd turn out to be such a disappointment. This is pathetic._

"Ditto, but that’s just how it is on this bitch of a planet."

_..._

_An idealistic remnant of the dumbass I once was almost hopes that you succeed. Try not to screw up too badly._

"Be a lot easier without you messin' with my head, but thanks." 

He finishes searching the timeline for an ideal intervention point, finding none. He sighs. 

Back to the start of the end, then. At least he'll get to see his favorite carapacian again. 


	2. Chapter 2

They're still basking in their victory, having not even begun the "honeymoon phase" of new universe shenanigans. John has yet to claim the reward. 

When Dave Senior crashes the party, his former self looks like he's doing everything in his power to repress a panic attack. He can't blame him- it was a foreboding feeling whenever a version of him returned because it almost always meant that the future had gone pear-shaped in some way or another. He’s his own bad omen.

The awkward silence is broken by him striding over casually and repositioning John out of reach of the door. He snaps out of his stupor to give an indignant "Hey!"

"Sorry, I know- pissed all over your parade route. Gonna have to postpone the logical sequence of celebratory events for a few, but it's chill. This blanket will dry; just give it time."

It's beyond a relief to be able to think clearly and without influence, having finally escaped Ultidirk’s omnipresent douchebaggery. Dave Junior manages to speak, having recovered from the initial shock.

      "What kind of fucked up shit is on the other side of that door?"

"The best kind... To quote a wiseass, "Unresolved Personal Issues that escalate into an entropic state of decay." Y'all are in no shape to inherit positions of power. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be Obama? 

...

We can let the whole universe creation thing happen, but then you're hauling your asses through high school _and_ therapy. You know what we did? We went Rainbow Mario up in this bitch. No one has any business bein' Rainbow Mario. Shit fucks you up... The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. We were immature idiots who missed out on a lot of growing up. We- You gotta hit all the mystery blocks! Dodge or defeat every single asinine adversary. It... We had no fucking clue what we were doing, and we made our own personal hell when we could have been legitimately happy. Friendship! Teamwork! Self-improvement! Don’t ever forget how important that shit is, you hear me?"

Everyone looks concerned about his state, and the uncharacteristically somber, tearful plea leaves them at a loss for words. They collectively thought that they had at least some of their shit together. They just teamed up in the most epic of battles, and now they're all buddy-buddy. How did it end up like... whatever dark dystopia Dave is alluding to?

He lets them process his subjectively embarrassing monologue in favor of attacking Dirk with an even more embarrassing emotional display, hugging him like it's the last time he ever will and managing to lift him several inches off the ground. He intends to stick around as long as possible, but it can't hurt to live without regrets. He does feel bad for Dave Junior, though- in his shoes, he'd be mortified to see how much he's changed. He's also some manchild careening with the broken teens of his past, but damn if he's not going to make the most of it. Thankfully, Dirk seems more confused than uncomfortable at this second, more intense brotherly affection ambush.

"... Man, I missed being the tall one," he half-chuckles, releasing him when it passes the awkward back-pat threshold. Dirk inhales as if he was suffocating but trying to play it down, subtly fixing his hair. 

No one on that lilypad will be spared from Dave's love.


	3. Chapter 3

      "Sorry for freezing up again... Can't exactly claim to be versed in this shit."

"Nah, it's chill. Sometimes a dude's just overwhelmed with the need to get his hug on, and you were the unlucky recipient."

              "... I mean, he kinda still is."

The Strider pile is a sight to be beheld by no one. Literally, they fucked off for a private brotherly moment that has no end in sight. The others don't dare interrupt, but they also don't really care. They have their own interpersonal interactions and issues to deal with.

      "I don’t mind, if you're wondering. Just feel bad for being terrible at this."

"It's probably one of the things you're least terrible at... C'mon, you’re a pretty decent hugger. All but beckoning me to your bosom for paternal comfort."

He snorts, gradually becoming more relaxed and content with the Dave sandwich as time passes. He has to admit, he is half-decent at petting both heads simultaneously. If someone came along and messed up  _his_ hair, though, he'd be anything but at peace. There are few exceptions.

      "... I fucked over the new universe, didn't I. I hurt everyone, particularly you and Jake."

It's more of an inference than a question, a confirmation of his greatest fear. Dave sighs, burying his face deeper into his tiddy.

"Also Rose, but shit was fucked from the beginning- I think we were all kinda responsible on account of sticking our heads up our asses to avoid our problems, and, on top of that clusterfuck, there were these stupid, dumb, awful bonuses to the game that followed us. Rose called them our Ultimate Selves. Really, it's just some Persona-level bastardization of our goddamn essence. Your classpect made you the most vulnerable to corruption, or whatever you'd call it... Basically, every shitty version of you that ever existed merged with the OG. You held out and fought them for years, but it fucked you over until... Uh. Do you want to know? Because it ain't for the faint of heart, and if I was the one in poofy pants I sure as hell wouldn't."

He nods hesitantly, then remembers Dave is too preoccupied with the snugglefest to bother looking up.

      "Yeah; I think I need to."

There's a pause, and then the words come tumbling out as his emotional constipation is finally alleviated.

"There were two main timelines because of Weird Meta Shit, but that's not worth getting into. What matters is the routes you took. In one, you realized that everything was fucked and you were deteriorating, so you ollied out and p much cut ties with us all in what I'm guessing was an attempt to protect us from what you were becoming. When you got to the point of no return, you- you made your last choice of "free will" and dealt with yourself the only way you knew how to."

       "Lost my head in the most literal sense? ... Jesus fuck, Dave, I'm so goddamn sorry-"

"It sucked crusty anus, but hey, at least I buried you this time around... The funeral was a joke, though. Straight-up disrespectful. Like when a celebrity kills themself just to become a meme.

... The other timeline, your alt splinters fused or whatever, and you made an acrobatic pirouette off the deep end into Maximum Realization of Power and became an actual heartless god. You went all ego-inflated puppetmaster like some shitty edgelord parody of yourself and started fucking with people's minds.

...

What I'm trying to say is you turned into an unholy amalgation of Vriska and my bro with a splice of Callie's bro. He might've actually been in there somewhere, tbh. What with Lil Cal or your autoresponder, or- I dunno, Heart isn't my forté. Barely got a handle on Time, heh."

        "... So, it's going to go completely fucking pear-shaped."

"Correctamundo."

...

      "Sounds like there's no other way out of it. There will come a time when I'm going to have to decapitate myself."

Dave Junior and Dirk share a knowing smirk, then crack up.

"Man, I get that you have a spicy new meme, but Ultidirk beat it into the ground and Actually Dead Dirk took away the irony. Imma let y'all live it up because I miss those days; just hard to find it funny anymore..."

The duo try to be serious, having only coined it hours prior. Considering their tendency to use morbid humor as a coping mechanism, it's been cathartic. They damn well intend to milk every drop of comedy from it. Dave Senior can't help but smile to himself, reminiscing on when _that_ trauma was still fresh. Man, is he one fucked up young adult.

Knowing himself, they'll probably come up with even better/worse memes in therapy. 


	4. Chapter 4

"I ain't gonna lie- I still have no fucking clue what I'm doing. Since the seers can't see past the door-"

           "WOW, RUD3."

"Shut up, you know what I mean."

           "OBV1OUSLY," she cackles. Rose is no better.

                 "There's no need to be harsh, Dave. She’s just trying to  _lighten_ the mood."

"Right, whatever, it's nice to be sassed by sane friends again. Anyway, here's what I'm thinkin': since Egbert Senior and Associates officially, completely, and unchangably killed LE and closed the black hole, it's probably safe to set up shop in-canon and let this be a "doomed" offshoot. Yeah, we got that cool lookin' house waitin' to be walked through, but-"

                        "WHATEVER YOUR LOGIC IS, WE'RE FUCKED IF WE STAY HERE. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHAT HAPPENED WITH JACK IN YOUR OLD AGE? THERE'S ALWAYS A SHITTY TWIST AROUND THE CORNER WAITING TO THRUST US INTO MORE DANGER."

                             "He has a point. The bad stuff just keeps happening, and we barely won! I say we leave and take our chances." 

                       "I CAN’T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS, BUT THANK YOU, JOHN."

"No, you don't get it. It sucks way less than losing yourself. I mean, no one _really_ understands ult selves yet, but they seem to be more of a thing when you stagnate in your own shit. Other Rose made it sound like everyone would end up like that eventually, but imma call bs. We've been in way too many "do or die" scenes and found wack alternatives- that's kinda our thing."

      "I, for one, am with Dave."

The group falls silent until Jake finally gathers the courage to speak.

                                          "There's downsides to both, but- I just... Would trapping yourself back in  _Jumanji_  after you've already won and gotten a clear path out somehow make you a better person? I think the point of those sorts of misadventures is to give you skills and teach you lessons to broaden your visage and then you're supposed to take them into the real world! What even is the rootin' tootin' POINT if we came all this way for nothing? I'm sorry, I really am, but none of this makes any sense and I'm so tired of this stupid game and these stupid panties!"

                                                "... You know you're allowed to wear pants, right? We can change our godtier outfits easy peasy! Watch-"

...

                                         "I wish I had been made aware of that before I went and flaunted my banoodle for everyone and their third cousin to see," he mumbles, covering his face.

      "... Holy shit. Were we supposed to know that instinctively, or was me looking like a total tool some kind of penance from the universe?"

  "You two have purrticularly pretty legs. It was fate!" Jasprose chirps, bearing her typical shit-eating grin. Whenever the sprite so much as makes her presence known, Rose dies a little more.

"Uh. Yeah. Congrats, but we're kinda in a dilemma. What’s the vote on normalcy?" 

                        "Wait. What if... you guys all hop off the lilypad and I claim it alone? That way I can zap you back and forth so we can figure it out as we go!"

...

                  "John, you magnificent bastard."


	5. Chapter 5

     “In light of his accounts, I'm admittedly scared shitless of letting _anyone_ get close to me. I thought I had everything under control the whole time, but I lost my own goddamn soul without even flinching. What kind of monster just inverts his personality and stops caring about everything that actually matters? Me- I do. Or, I will.”

“It becomes much easier to bring those sorts of notions to fruition when you believe them.”

     “That’s not the point. It’s not just self-talk or image. My iterations all fuck up majorly, even when I think I know what I’m doing and feel confident that I’m right. I can’t fucking trust myself- I need to be kept in check somehow if I’m going to keep living. I'm… willing to share the saddle. Loosen the reins to focus on taming my inner stallion.”

“I see… So, you want help learning how to ground yourself safely with others while maintaining the identity and ideals you consistently strive for. You want to be independent without going apeshit.”

     “... Essentially. No offense, but if you can read my mind, do I even have to say these things? Seems like we should just cut to the chase.”

“It’s beneficial to both of us. You’re the one who chooses what thoughts take priority, and self-awareness is critical for understanding and viewing everything in the most accurate manner.

As a cerulean blood, I can empathize with your various struggles. My default is control, and it’s easy to become overconfident and see myself as the only truly logical and competent individual. The more I focused on others’ fallacies, the less I noticed mine. I became my own grounding point, the constant of a subjective universe that I believed to be objective. I really thought I was a stable pillar that everyone must accept the wisdom of or else be guided by against their will.”

     “Seriously? You sound pretty damn woke and not manipulative to me.”

“I wasn’t for a very long time. I thrived on pulling the strings of the people around me and actually believed that I was acting in their best interests... Really, I was just jerking off to my own narcissism. I would have fucked _and_ married my clone if given the opportunity.”

He can't help but laugh.

     “Thankfully, I still loathe my existence enough to consider a mutual decapitation in that scenario.”

“That's... not a good thing, either. It’s just on the polar opposite of the spectrum.”

      “I know.”

“Well, hey, at least you recognize that! I'd say you're already making progress.”

     “Uh, thanks... What I'm trying to accomplish here is not losing my head in the literal or metaphorical sense. Is that feasible?”

“Just take it one day at a time- the small changes add up, and I guarantee that you'll find yourself _headed_ towards your goals. Now, have you done your worksheets for the past week?”

     “Sorry, but I didn't want to bullshit my way through them. We both know “happiness” is unrealistic and unattainable for someone like me.”

They spritz him in the face with their plant misting bottle. He grimaces, regretting not bringing a polishing cloth to dry his shades. Like hell is he taking off his security object, though.

     “... Was that necessary?”

“Yes; it’s a board-approved method of thought stopping.”

...

     “Ok, so we agree to disagree on my ability to feel sunshine and rainbows.”

“For now. You'll come around!”

     “Cool, great. Are we done here? Session ended three minutes ago.”

“Nope! It's your lucky day. I'm going to help you with your homework, and then we'll do a couple exercises that I want you to practice this week.”

He sighs, offering a tired bird.


	6. Chapter 6

      "You know, I reallydon't need this. I have better places to be! Besides, have I done  _anything_ to warrant intervention? No! I'm peachy, just surrounded by bozos-"

Spritz, spritz.

...

      "What on Earth was that for?!"

"You have capitalist aspirations that border on fascism, and you actively fantasize about keeping a traumatized Jake chained up in lingerie."

...

"Don’t worry; what happens here stays here."

      "... What else do you know about me?"

"You like helping people, and you do your best to wear a smile each day, but you've drifted from your favorite pastimes and have reached a difficult point in your life. You’re unsure who you really want to be and feel obligated to "grow up" by owning a corporation like you were set to by ecto-birthright. 

... I generally avoid taking this route, but you’re hurting and in need of direct help. You've felt unappreciated and ignored by the people around you for a while now, and you struggle with healthy assertiveness. Focusing on anger management and joining the interpersonal skills group can be beneficial, in addition to old-fashioned talk therapy." 

...

      "I regret the things I've said and done, but I apologize just to keep losing my temper. Dirk is the only friend that I can stand anymore... Even dear Roxy ticks me off! Why do they all have to be so... so infuriating?"

"We'll work on that. Kudos for taking the first step."

      "Thank you."


	7. Chapter 7

      "Eyy, D-rax! What the FUCK is up? You ain't gonna believe the shit day I had."

They do their sacred greeting ritual, followed by a fistbump. She refills her water bottle at the cooler and then kicks back on the couch. It's not even a therapy session. She just came to support her friends and make sure they didn't play hooky.

      "So, I kinda mentioned to some rando about how I'm still tryna figure out what tf I wanna do with my life, and she was all "Well, you obv need to land a nine-to-five, find a guy, get hitched and preggers, then tie your ass down to your fam 'til you kick the bucket," but I was like lol nah eff that; I meant like cool sciency shit, ya know? She looked so goddamn miserable; felt bad for her 'til she called my supervisor..." 

"Clearly, she wanted to perpetuate the cycle of suffering. You might as well just work here." 

      "Yeah, but then who would love on the poor lil kitties?"

"... Fair point. I'll just have to suffer your absence and make do with my limited tecnological skills."

      "Ooh, ooh, that reminds me! Imma pm you the link to Wizardy Herbert 4.0 so your eyeballs get first dibs."

"That’s quite the honor. I look forward to caressing it with my vision spheres."

Dirk returns from the bathroom, shades finally spotless. He makes awkward small talk with an equally nervous Jake in the waiting room, both out of their element and very much not wanting to be there. The door to Draxel's office is wide open, laughter audible from the other end of the hall.

              "Did you, uh, check in?"

                  "No. Should I? I didn't want to interrupt..."

              "Your call, but Rox could keep them going for hours." 

                   "... Maybe I can sneak out, then!"

He snorts, ruffling Jake’s hair affectionately. Roxy exits seconds later, crushing Jake’s hope of escape. 

"Give my regards to Callie!"

      "You betcha. Bye, bitch!"

                  "Say, you don't have that trusty sword on hand, do you?" he sighs under his breath. 

             "It’s not  _that_ bad, man. Give 'em a chance." 

They appear at the doorway, beckoning over their newest patient. He stiffens as he rises, crossing the relatively short distance at a painfully slow pace as if it was a death march. They just smile warmly, and- oh, jeez, their eyes are a lovely shade of cerulean. If only he didn't associate it with an unpleasant arachnid lady.

"Jake, I presume? Sorry for the wait! I've heard lots of nice things about you." 

                        "Y... Yes. Aloha."


	8. Chapter 8

    "... Do you think we should stick around?"  
  
           "For the J Man? Yeah. Poor kid prolly started cryin' the second the door closed. He’s gotta fuckload of trauma to unpack and bs to unlearn or whatev..."

     “Just don't want to make it worse, you know? By being here.”

           “I know...”

She sighs, leaning against him. He freezes like usual at first touch, then relaxes, hesitantly draping his arm around her shoulder. She reaches up to hold that hand, intertwining their fingers. He can't help but smile, still feeling incredibly goddamn vulnerable for reasons beyond him. These moments are comforting, simple, and intimate ways to connect- he enjoys them. He sometimes gets overwhelmed, though, and has to ollie out when it becomes too much. He feels inadequate for not being able to handle affection like a normal person, but if-  
  
          "... Ya know, human contact is the fuckin' shit. No wonder we were depressed for so long- we had no soft fleshbag hugs or nurturing guardians. Ain't this straight up euphoria?"  
  
To demonstrate, she scoots around and hugs him, letting his arm fall over her back. He tenses as she pulls herself flush against him, nuzzling.   
  
...  
  
     "Uh. I... I don't..." he trails off, trying to quell his nerves.  
  
She reads between the lines, then immediately releases.  
  
          "Aw, fucknuts. Dirky, I'm so sorry-"  
  
     “No- I’m sorry. It’s not you; it’s me. You deserve every goddamn ounce of love the universe has to offer, and I don't know why I get fucked up over-”

          “There's nothin' wrong with feelin' uncomfs. Some people just aren't touchy-feely!”

     “No, I like it… At least, the majority of the time, with close friends. I just- fuck, I don't know. I feel weird in certain situations...”

           “Don’t beat yourself up- it’s ok! I'm super glad you told me, but I wish I knew before… I'll ask next time, k? So you can decide if your bod is ready for this tender lovin’,” she winks. He smirks, shaking his head bemusedly. After a couple seconds, he drapes his arm back around her to bring her closer, resuming their original state. She smooches the back of his hand.

     “I'm swooning so hard behind this stone-cold stoicism. Like the dude from _Brooklyn 99._ ”

             “Shaddup, you ain’t _that_ pokerfaced... at least, not to me. Maybe I’m learnin’ Dirkinese,” she giggles. He agrees.  

When Jake comes out an hour later, he is predictably tear-stained but calm again. He even attempts a smile when he sees them, embarrassed at his state. Roxy tacklehugs him, and he squeaks in surprise, reciprocating with a shaky laugh. Dirk pats his back awkwardly.

              “M’ so proud of you, bb. Betchu did great.”

     “Yeah, that took balls.”

                   “Heh, thanks… Not like I had a choice in the matter, but I'd say I gave it the old college try- I'll be back next week for sure!”

Roxy manages to convince Jane to join them as they meander through the park afterwards, just chilling together and enjoying the beautiful day.


	9. Chapter 9

Group therapy is kind of hilarious when they’re not sobbing grossly or talking about various traumas. Karkat sits backwards on his chair and stares the majority of the time to convey a supportive attitude, as he's not allowed to yell over a certain decibel. Terezi had repeatedly consumed or soiled activity supplies, so she was limited to individual sessions. John encourages everyone, making exaggerated expressions to show empathy and nodding just a bit much when they speak. He offers at least half a dozen hugs each day. Dave draws dicks and shitty comics with the untouched markers, Dirk folds origami shades whenever he gets uncomfortable, and Rose knits most of the time. Kanaya mediates when things get intense, Jake shares movies that he believes to be "cathartic and life-changing," and Jade and Roxy bring cute plushies and critters for comfort. 

Common topics are nightmares, flashbacks, grief, survivor's guilt (particularly John and Karkat's, made worse by feeling responsible for the death of their friends/father and universes), maladaptive behaviors/coping mechanisms, interpersonal communication and relationship issues, emotional regulation, sense of identity and purpose, and so forth. The conversations can stray far off the beaten path, but Draxel only reroutes them when it's clear that they're not beneficial. Some of the most reserved members have become prone to monologues in this environment, and, during breaks, Dave often provides entertainment through bs with Karkat or rap battles. The latter now tend to include lines about the raw pain of their entropic existence and the likes as the contestants strive to lay down the most depressing verses. It’s therapeutic. Probably.


	10. Chapter 10

Their name is Davepeta, and they are living.

Every day is an adventure, they have ghost and new universe friends alike, but, most importantly, they're one badass neon catbird.

They love themself, and they are happy. Like everyone else, their dorky nb therapist helped them to sort out their issues, although theirs were pre-fusion and mainly related to self-worth and seeing the people closest to them die. Their separate halves had already comforted the fuck out of each other, so they're on Cloud Nine. It’s all sunshine and joy these days, and even grumpy souls like Karkat can't help but feel better when they're around.

The only thing they dislike about their life is school. They’re not allowed to swoop around with their claws out (which is lame), they don't give a shit about the Pythagorean Theorem, and the kids are dumb jerks. It's impossible to fit in, both physically and metaphorically speaking. They miss being surrounded by just their brand of weirdos, but they manage to use their powers to eventually win over the student body and benefit from their time there. They’re a goddamn legend, and they paved the way for others to embrace differences. It’s like the plot of some cheesy movie.

The high school is relatively diverse- trolls, humans, and carapacians. (There’s a separate school for consorts.) Still, there are stupid popularity contests and power dynamics that make it suck. John and friends practically formed an escort entourage for Calliope’s safety, but she became frustrated and decided to prove that she didn't need protection by using her assets to scare off the next would-be bully.

Jake gets in trouble for violating the dress code with his microshorts and engaging in fisticuffs, Roxy is busted for hacking into the school site for shits and giggles and also summoning a science project from the void instead of making it traditionally, Rose psychoanalyzes people to tears on a regular basis, Jade ruins Physics with her reality-defying demonstrations and makes friends with practically everyone (John and Tavrosprite try, too, but they’re more corny than charming), Dave is a class clown who now initiates time shenanigans just to dick around and draws in bathroom stalls, Kanaya runs a blood drive every year to restock her freezer and has yet to get caught, Terezi has detention weekly for licking even more supplies (and Karkat joins her because he still doesn't know how to keep his voice down or stop cursing out authority figures), Jane runs for president against Karkat and gets suspended for attempting to sway the election (but she’s still high on the popularity echeladder and winning the hearts of peers and teachers alike with her cutesy smile and baked goods), Dirk occasionally skips classes with a smartass front to mask his crippling social anxiety (and Jake tags along because he's equally uncomfortable there), but the ones he really likes he overinvests in (from getting carried away with projects and essays to assigning himself unnecessary homework) and tries to learn more about than the teachers to school them in the middle of their lectures, and John struggles to keep up with his work when he’s not pranking people with Jane (ala reviving dissected frogs and setting them free or zapping an entire class to the beach) because he's still so goddamn depressed. Jake struggles, too, because of his memory and focus problems- actually, most of them do, in one way or another. They form a tutoring guild where whoever understands a subject can assist with homework and studying, and Dave draws more dicks on innocent library books every session. Clubs, sports, and band are also things that happen in the most chaotic manner imaginable, particularly when Arquius or Jasprose is involved. 

Somehow, they manage to get through each day. It helps to not be in this alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those of you still interested:
> 
> I'm not the best writer, but these kids changed my life so drastically for the better seven years ago and pretty much everything stopped being canon to me after Act 7. I get that the epilogues may exist as cautionary tales, meta narratives, or what have you, but not giving characters that people relate and look up to the chance to better themselves and reach their full potentials ain't acceptable. 
> 
> That being said, I lack experience and skill, and I really don't want to botch this up! If you have suggestions or want to contribute, feel free to comment or drop me a line! I'm akgerhardt on tumblr, and my email is alastairkingstongerhardt@gmail.com (long, I know, but the good ones were taken 😅).


	11. Chapter 11

"I think it would help if you were honest with yourself. It’s ok to not have everything figured out! No one really does, but the things they do know they have to keep learning about. I'm worried because there's a lot of things we're not bringing up, and I don't want them to get worse. What you say is completely confidential- you're safe here."

…

    "I'm sorry…"

"What for?"

    "For- For being absolutely bungs at this. I've been rotten with the whole shebang…"

"There's no "wrong" way to do it, unless you're not present or trying to counsel me."

He laughs nervously, still fidgeting.

"It’s all about communication and progress. I'd say you're already doing pretty great, so c'mon! I can't help knowing what's on your mind, but you’re the one who decides what to talk about. Please, let me help. You deserve to improve."

…

     "I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve anything, and that's a matter of fact. I can't for the life of me fathom why they pretend that I'm a decent gent and go so far as to keep in contact and invite me to tag along at different functions. I mean, what sort of masochistic martyrs would actually WANT me around? All I do is take up space and burden and hurt everyone. I contribute jackshit to the universe; I just make everything worse but it's not even fate or what have you! It's pure ineptitude and personal shortcomings and self-centeredness. I could be good if I really tried! I'm just avoiding my own demons and hiding in immaturity instead of doing the hard work of bettering myself, but even when I give it a shot I end up screwing the pooch and failing miserably and ending off far worse than I started, and then I feel like even more of a hopeless buffoon. I know I could be competent and helpful and attentive and responsible, and- and... Gah!"

He buries his face in his hands, mussing his hair roughly.

     "I'm sorry but I don't even have any business being here airing out my dirty closet skulls. I'm so friggin DONE with my malarkey and I'm sure life itself would be much better off without the likes of-"

A spritz of water to the head interrupts that train of thought. He falls silent, looking up with a surprised expression.

"I'm glad you trust me enough to share such thoughts- thank you. I just wanted to interject before you further berate yourself.

You’re not a failure. You’re very much aware of your issues, which is key to improvement. However, beating yourself up and talking down to yourself makes it all the more difficult to reach your goals. You need to be kind and patient with yourself, like you would a friend."

     "But my friends are good people who do the right things! I'm nothing like them-"

Spritz. He takes off his glasses to dry his face on his sleeve, then sets to cleaning them, avoiding making eye contact with Draxel.

"Your perception is distorted in that regard- they're human, just like you. Maybe you were once oblivious to your faults, but a couple jerks coming along and berating you into introspection doesn't balance it out. Yes, you may have created a charming protagonist persona while trying to keep anyone from expecting anything from you, but the frightened young man behind it isn't any less endearing. In fact, realizing your flaws can only make you a better person. You’re at the crossroads now, where you can _choose_ what to do with that information. You can continue down a path of guilt and self-sabotage, or you can embark on a quest of improvement like a bonafide adventurer, far more wonderful than the illusions of the silver screen. What do you say?"

…

     "I don’t like adventure anymore…"

"This one is its own reward. It’s the Ultimate Adventure, if you will! … No, I don’t mean that you'll become Ultijake. I warned you not to listen to Dirk's laments- his self-loathing is contagious. He’s in an existential crisis, like everyone else, but he's not destined to become his worst self. Neither are you. Please, just relax!"

He worries his lower lip, nodding.

     "I can't imagine the pain he's in… I've got it peaches and cream compared to his inner turmoil. And my counterpart of old was a real fucking tool! I was- I was horrible. All of those poor children and critters and lovers alike, marred by me… For frig’s flippin sake, I created the apocalypse game for Sea Hitler and put ACTUAL HITLER in power, none the wiser!!!"

"He was a shitty person, but, like Beta Dirk, you can be different. You have the know-how to become far better than him and avoid doing those kinds of things."

      "Apologies, but I don't _feel_ very different and I don't think I ever will... In fact, he was probably just as bad as me right now! If I start thinking I'm not him, I might end up even worse, and what kind of stupid mon-"

Spritz, spritz.

...

He shuts his eyes pitifully, tears obscured by the copious misting. Draxel relents, opening a drawer to retrieve a towel.

"Sorry; I've been trigger-happy today. The power gets to your head."

      "At least you're not using a siren horn or the likes..."

"I did for a bit, but it wasn’t very effective. Nor was the low-voltage taser.

... I also have a nerf gun, if you'd prefer."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jake is burdened with the knowledge of the monstrosity known as Skaianet Systems.


	12. Chapter 12

When he learned that Dirk got busted for not sleeping again, he decided to take initiative. Neither is exactly fond of staying in the other's room (creepy puppets and naked centaur posters versus an overabundance of skulls and blue boobs), so they met halfway. By that, they mean that they literally just set up shop in a hotel between their homes. It’s nice being rich. 

Their arrangement is... flexible. No obligations or expectations, and no concrete status. They've decided that they’re both pretty fucked up and don't view relationships in a traditional light, let alone the same one. They don't want more strife or emotional turmoil but miss each other's company, so they turned their attention towards maintaining a simple and genuine expression of love- a bromantic bond, if you will. It’s an eternal work-in-progress.

They learn how to compromise without sacrificing their happiness or wellbeing. They heed boundaries, respect autonomy, and stay true to themselves while becoming increasingly aware of ways to communicate with and understand each other. They don't jump to conclusions or brood in angst, and they work to figure out how healthy partners jive. Most importantly, they chill.

There's a lot of awkward conversations to clarify misinterpretations and see from each other's perspective. It started off rocky, but they kept at it, and now they're tight as fuck. The things that sparked endearment years prior burn brightly, but without the instability of a young flame. They bring each other joy and comfort and a mutually beneficial dynamic, providing support and solace from their fears and loneliness. Snuggle sessions are the best ways to heal and the main things that they look forward to during unpleasant ordeals.

They don't always live together; sometimes, they need a cool-down and shift to long-distance. At the present moment, they're holed up in the aforementioned hotel as Dirk gets much-needed rest. He knows he's supposed to sleep eight hours a night; it just feels wrong. He still tends to get wrapped up in his own thoughts and obsess when left alone and unoccupied, but he’s working on that. For now, though, it doesn't hurt to let Jake force him to recharge. He's the most formidable adversary, curled atop him like a puppy after gently convincing him to get his ass into bed. Dirk could easily move him, which is why he's even more fucked- it’s the principle of the matter. He doesn’t have the heart to wake him, and his mere presence is more soothing than any medication. Jake English is a tried-and-true remedy to insomnia, and there's nothing he can do about it.

He ko'd early and woke at dawn. The sunlight filters through the curtains, dancing across the floor as the gentle breeze sways them. Birds are already vocalizing their horniness, and the pillows are unfairly soft. Jake is drooling on his freshly-showered torso, mumbling to himself. 

It’s goddamn paradise.


	13. Chapter 13

      "Jake."

"Mister Vantas."

He attempts to mirror his solemn expression as he nods back, then flops down on the couch next to him. 

      "How's your Strider?"

"I'd say his disposition is improving! And yours?"

      "Fan-fucking-tastic; couldn't be better. Just when I think he can't possibly become more insufferable, he does... At least your ass provides a distraction from the madness," he sighs. Jake snort-laughs, clapping his shoulder.

"Glad to hear it! So, what's the lineup for tonight?"

      "That’s another perk- as obnoxious as you are, you appreciate quality films. The first is called _A Rust Blood Travels Across Foreign Lands in Search of Pity, Then Finds it With the Troll She Initially Spaded. They Get Culled in the End Anyway._ "

"Sounds like a real tear-jerker."

      "It wrings out your blood-pusher with an iron grip, but it's worth it. Next is  _Troll Will Smith is a Pseudo-Immortal Supernatural Being Who Lost His Memory and Became A Comedic Douche. The Matesprit of His Forgotten Other Half Helps Him Reform, and They Become Moirails."_

"Now that's something I can get behind! A good laugh balances out tragedy like... like wine and cheese, probably. I've never tried either but they're supposed to be the ideal combo for fancy folks' parties."

      "Yeah, that sounds right. Let's get this shitshow started!"

* * *

            "You don't appreciate the nuances of a rap-based captchalogue. Just imagine, you’re in the fight of your life, and you need to come up with rhymes on the fly just to retrieve your sword and fancy santa. Can't even use the same verse twice."

                  "Full offense, but that's dumb as fuck. Sounds like something I would've done if I had the tech."

            "I regret most of the things I did when I was young."

                   "Don’t we all, man? I was a fuckin' tool. Have you seen my selfies?"  

             "Have you seen Arquius?"

                    "Ok, can’t argue that... You sure this is sanitary?"

             "Probably. I disinfected the whole kit and heated the tips past five-hundred degrees. There's always the 0.001 percent of microbes that survive, though."

                    "Doubt actual tattoo parlors even go that far," he laughs. "Aight, so, sorry in advance if I screw it up."

              "Nah, that's the whole point. Try to make it as shitty and pixelated as the masterpiece itself."

                     "Hell yes, brother."

Dave carefully botches up the inking of Sweet Bro while Dirk draws weird porn requests with his free arm.

              "... Just don't show them- at least, not Karkat. It would be a Just death."

                     "Hey, your call. We gotta make catchy tunes to go along with the finished product, though. I'm already writing 'em in my head. Check it: _I was sittin' around in the middle of the night, all bored with nothin' to do_ -" 

Dirk shakes his head bemusedly, impressed at his ability to multi-task.

 


	14. Chapter 14

      "I just don't know... I was really lonely before and I'm so happy to finally be with my friends, but it keeps bugging me! It's even worse than the Grimbark stuff since I don't know if I can move on from it... I get so nervous out in public, all because of this- this stupid thing! I feel... wrong, even when I'm alone... and Davepeta doesn't care what I'm like, but I'm still uncomfortable with stuff as simple as snuggles and I don't want to be!!! I need to get over it already..."

"Hey, no. You don't have to ignore something essential to your wellbeing just because you're the only one bothered by it. There’s nothing stopping you from becoming happy with yourself. We're lucky here- supportive and physically safe environment, free healthcare, state-of-the-art technology... I try not to direct people's decisions, but I think you could really benefit from transitioning. Honestly, this seems to be the only "issue" remaining that requires individual therapy. I say go for it! It's scary and difficult, for sure, but you won't be in it alone. You deserve to be true to yourself, Jade, and you'll feel so much better for it in the end."

...

She blinks back more tears and manages a smile, proceeding to mildly suffocate them in a hug. They laugh, patting her back.

The first thing she does is isolate the DNA from her grandpa's old dog, Halley, to make a puppy clone that isn't half omnipotent cueball of chaos. It’s pretty fun to be the one raising him this time around. 

With that out of the way, she starts her journey. The one nonhuman trait she keeps is her cute doggy ears. She reclaims her original mind and body, then affirms her gender in the normal, grueling manner. 

Second puberty is a bitch.


	15. Chapter 15

Thanks to a bit too much information from dear Nannasprite, John now knows that he and Jane have the exact same father, genetically speaking. He may not share John's memories, but John allows himself to be adopted into their household upon convincing. It’s... really nice to not live alone anymore. Whenever Nannasprite, Jane, or Dad assails him with pranks and baked goods, he can't find it in him to get pissed. He gradually gets back into the swing of pranking and subjects them to all of his shitty movies over the course of many family Fridays. Jake and Jade have an open invitation to crash, and Jake can't refuse a film screening, no matter the circumstances. Sometimes they let Jane pick okayish stuff like episodes of _Parks and Rec,_ and other times they watch old-timey, corny flicks of the guardians' choosing. Dad especially likes mysteries and comedies, while Nanna gets nostalgic over _Laurel and Hardy_. They play traditional and video games alike, from _Cadoo_ to _Luigi's Mansion_ mirrored on the Wii (thanks to Roxy). Jade doesn’t let them play the ones where fake critters get hurt, but, no matter what they do, it's always fun.

Though John will always miss _his_ dad, the dull ache of the void he left in his life was finally alleviated, and he's able to start reminiscing fondly without the accompanying pain. Learning to forgive himself was a huge part of it.

He and Jane sometimes clash (They like to bicker over the existence of the supernatural and the credibility of content such as horror movies supposedly based on real events, "documentaries," and those corny shows on The History Channel and Discovery), but, like John, she took to Terezi. All three of them were surprised that they could get along so well- perhaps opposite personalities really can balance each other out. 

Of course, she isn't interested in establishing a quadrant dynamic or romantic relationship, but they bond over a lifelong interest- detective work. Jane is put off by her unorthodox methods but impressed at the results, and Terezi likes ruffling her feathers and using a magnifying glass ironically. They fancy wearing mustaches and dressing up in disguises together ala Jessie and James. They solve everything from petty crimes to murders and mysteries and unearth political corruption, bringing shenanigans and justice wherever they go. Terezi's Mind routes give them an advantage, along with Jane’s ability to simply revive victims and let them identify the culprits, saving a lot of time and avoiding unnecessary danger but taking the morbid fun out of Terezi's investigations. 

Terezi is still waiting for her timeline's Vriska to come to the new universe, but she enjoys the company of her other living and ghost friends alike. All in all, they're a pretty happy group.


	16. Chapter 16

      "So, what's the big surprise? ... Wait, is this another intervention?"

           "No; you know that I'm clean, and I'm the one who organized this. Consider it an educational lecture of sorts."

                        "Specifically on sexuality."

      "Oh, god, please not sex ed-"

                  "Jesus Christ, dude. I can't do this." 

                                "You totes can, b. We gotchu."

Dave mumbles under his breath, and Rose rubs her brow before continuing.

            "John, we're gay."

...

      "All of you?"

            "Yes."

      "... Like,  _gay_ gay?"

            "Technically, I'm a sapphic... Nevermind. The word you're looking for to describe me is lesbian."

      "Duh, you’re already married! I meant everyone else." 

She ignores him with an amused smirk.

            "Dave is pansexual- no, he doesn't fuck kitchenware. Just look it up on Wikipedia in your spare time. Dirk is homosexual-"

                        "I prefer not to use labels, but yeah. Sexuality, romance, and gender fall on spectrums that are hard to define. Jake proudly "swings both ways," though. He might gravitate towards aro in the other department."

            "Aromantic- not inclined to experience traditional romantic attraction, if any. He doesn't identify as an arrow."

      "... Huh."

                              "There're also peeps like me who just kinda don't care. I used to only want a bf, but I'm p happy chillin' with Callie these days. I don’t think I even really _want_ sex, but, yeah, we're all Big Gays. Everyone’s GAY, Johnny Windsock!"

      "Everyone?!"

They nod solemnly.

      "... So, Karkat's gay?"

             "Trolls don't-"

                    "Yeah, he's so fucking gay, dude. A flaming homo."

      "That explains a lot... What about Terezi? I thought we had some weird... thing going on."

              "As I was trying to say-"

                     "Yep."

       "So, since Kanaya is in lesbians with Rose, that leaves... Jane and Jade. Is Jane gay?!" 

              "On solstices, perhaps." 

Jade suddenly zaps into the room. They jump, still not used to her appearing at the blink of an eye.

                                   "Hey, guys!!! Did someone call me, or were you just talking shit? 'Cause I don’t wanna eavesdrop!" 

He takes a breath, folding his hands.

      "Jade... are you gay?"

                                   "Uhhhhh..."

She glances at the others questioningly. Dave gives a thumbs up.

                                   "I don't know! Is it that big of a deal? ... John, you look like you're gonna have another mental breakdown. What the heck is even going on here?"

      "Everyone... Everyone is gay except for me and maybe Jane. I just need a moment..."

...

            "I'd say this was an overwhelming success."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Let's just say that she can still zap around without First Guardian powers. Because I am gay, I didn't consider that beforehand.)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /drugs

            "... So."

"Huh? ... Oh, you’re still here."

                  "Didn't want to leave a bro helpless in the aftermath of a brainsplosion."

      "Yes, as hilarious as it was, we felt bad for forcibly expanding your worldview without warning. Luckily, Dirk came prepared."

...

"Wait, is that... A VAPE? OH MY GOD-" 

             "It's not a vape."

"Dude, I know what a vape looks like! I'm not  _that_ dumb. What kind of pretentious douche would actually-"

             "No, it's a bong. A prototype tactfully disguised as a vape."

...

      "He has a prescription."

              "It's legitimate. For sleep, nerves-"

"Then why are you giving it to me?!"

                      "Sharing is caring."

              "The Marriage Iguana has come to temporarily alleviate the pain of thinking. Will you accept his blessing?"

       "Do you, or do you not, want to pollute your body with the devil's lettuce?"

...

                      "It’s nothin' like the juju, trust me. Give in to the peer pressure, Johnny boy... Spite the police furry mascots of school days past."

"Dave... You smoke weed?!"

                       "Occasionally, yeah, for anxiety and shit. It’s NBD."

"So... you _all_ smoke weed?"

                      "Nah, Roxy’s not about that life. Rose just comes to psychoanalyze us at our most vulnerable."

      "It’s true. I have a folder of blackmail material, should they ever try to cross me."

...

               "I, for one, am going to get fucked up- I waited all month for this. You’re welcome to join me."

"You had it planned for that long?"

Rose nods. He grimaces.

"... I just. My dad would be disappointed."

      "We understand. Not everyone reacts positively to it, anyway. There are cases when it actually worsens symptoms. Really, we just wanted to extend an invitation to our secret drug ring and decided that this was the perfect opportunity to."

Dirk is already blowing wisps of smoke-vape towards the ceiling. He puffs out a ring, then shoots a ball through it. 

             "Before you ask, I infused it with Orange Crush. There’s no nicotine- this shit is organic and kosher."

      "It’s literally just leaves, soda, and citrus peels; his backup is half Dorito dust. He could make a killing if he became an entrepreneur."

              "I have too much power as is," he sighs contently, offering it to Dave. Dave declines, pulling out his own and lighting it. John gapes, eye twitching.

                     "AJ-flavored."

"Ew. That's just nasty! Dave, you have no class."

                      "Hey, don't hate. S' your loss... Wait, shit. I remember reading somethin' about it fucking up people with depression. This was a dumb idea."

      "... That was an oversight on my end. I'm sorry, John; you’re officially banned from recreational blazing." 

"Phew! Ok, well, I won't judge your life decisions."

             "Think it's a little late for that," he smirks.

"Yeah. Anyway, I'm going to stay so I can laugh at you both."

She smiles in smug approval, patting the cushion next to her. He joins her, excited to witness the Strider unraveling.

                    "Oh, yo, check it: I can blow dicks. Took forever to get the hang of, but you just kinda make a ring and shape it with the air around it so-"

     "Dave can, and will, create phallic imagery with any medium."

             "He's like that Youtuber who can forge blades out of literally anything. Shit’s an art."

Dave forms yet another dick to demonstrate his prowess.

"... You know, it all makes sense now."


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /food

"... I must say, this whole nature schtick is a lot more enjoyable when there aren't bloodthirsty monsters and gihungous shitting centaurs round every bend... It’s surreal being on a peaceful version of my isle. Just look at all these itty bitty flitty friends!" 

      "They're called hummingbirds! Aren't they cute?!" she chirps, holding her flowerpot still for some to throng around. They're incredibly docile, perhaps an effect of being brought into existence mid-game with no knowledge of threats. One perches on the frame of his glasses, and he freezes up until Dirk accidentally startles them, emerging from the nearest oversized leaf cluster and covering his head between shooing off the flying insects pursuing him. He sighs, flopping down on the carved rock with them. A couple hummingbirds reappear to nestle in his hair, and he just lets them, tired and defeated. Various other creatures join them as he raps about nosespray to retrieve it from his sylladex, unceremoniously snorting two spritzes in each nostril.

             "At this rate, I won't last another week, let alone a month. I don't know why I let you talk me into this. It’s pure masochism."

Tavrosprite is flying around gleefully with the herd of tinkerbulls. Dirk braces for an inevitable assailment of dander via affection once they see him. Why do they all have to be so friendly, and why did Jake have to bring them over from his island? 

"Everyone likes the smell of your mop gunk- end of story. You've just gotta let your hair down, man! Unless you fancy being a Disney prince." 

             "The gulls didn't give a shit. They only came when bribed with fish scraps."

Jade grimaces, sticking her tongue out with an exaggerated "bluh."

              "Hey, I did what I had to. Don't pretend you weren't chowing down on snausages for the better half of this year."

      "Fair point, but I had a condition!! I'm finally back to the veggie life... Ooh, that reminds me!"

He raises a brow, and she retrieves a basket of harvested fruit.

               "Heh, ten boons says I get violently ill again."

      "That was because you went overboard, silly. Just pick  _one!_ You'll get used to real food soon..."

He shrugs, examining each thoughtfully before settling on an apple. That cartoon pony family made them look really good. Fuck if he remembers their names, though- was one Big Mac? That's hardly apple-themed. Whatever; he's a filthy casual, anyway. Only got into it as a cultural study on bronies that turned into unironic appreciation of that spunky Dash... Right, he's just staring at the fruit. Time to use his arm limbs to pick it up now. Lower, grasp, retrieve. Claw machines got nothin' on robo-dissociation mode. Luckily, his companions don't give a shit.

"Oh boy, here we go! I wish I was permitted to photograph this for the scrapbook," he chortles, helping himself to a mango and biting through the peel like a goddamn animal. She plucks away at a cluster of grapes, tossing them in the air and catching them like popcorn. She occasionally misses, providing their grounded entourage members with treats. The biodiversity and intricate balance of the ecosystem secretly amazes Dirk. Plants are cool as fuck, and so are critters, though he's terrified of being in charge of their wellbeing. He helps with her research and botanical experiments when he's not dicking around on the beach or doing robotics/tech work with them and Roxy, but that's all he's comfortable with. Maybe he'll make a terrarium someday- they seem pretty low-maintenance but fun to go overboard with. For now, he'll stick to watering, measuring, feeding, and petting fellow organic beings without committment... Oh, yeah, he was going to eat this thing. Got distracted by its beauty.

He gives it a subtle sniff, disappointed that it has no scent. They watch eagerly, trying to act nonchalant when he side-eyes them.

He raises it to his mouth without anymore fanfare, taking a giant chomp from the bottom down. They lose their shit as he crunches through the seeds and core. 

            "What? How did I fuck up the simple process of consumption this time?"

"You didn't! As long as you're enjoying yourself."

            "It's pretty sweet... Seeds taste how almond extract smells."

      "Just don't go nuts over them- they're poisonous in large amounts."

...

             "Now you tell me."

They keep laughing quietly, tearing up by the time he's chewing on the stem like a piece of hay. Thankfully, he catches on enough to spit out that part.

                      "I'm- convinced that you're at least, uh, a third hoofbeast, hahaha-"

              "Delete that!!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "man who has never eaten a banana before tries to play it cool in front of his friends" https://t.co/c0hsWQlHjW


	19. Chapter 19

Dirk’s favorite pastime postgame has become sleeping, second only to showering. A close runner-up is sniffing grass, but that's a secret he will take to his grave. Whoops, missed the sports ball- just gonna lay facedown on this green carpet for a couple minutes. It’s cool, bro.

There are a lot of other things that he genuinely enjoys doing these days, foreign emotional experiences that caught him off guard initially. He lost his shit over the first average-sized horse he saw, having never imagined them to be so big. When he got to pet and wheeze over a stable full of them, he attributed the tears to a violent allergic reaction. That didn't stop him from hugging the side of a particularly friendly one as soon as he was alone and letting the dam break. Man, even crying feels good. It’s equivalent to blowing the snot out of his brain. Downright cathartic.

Still, feeling... "happy" is almost alarming. He knows he wouldn't be able to just relax and let himself enjoy anything in normal circumstances- it’s undeserved, dangerous, and pretty much impossible for- Wait, no. He grimaces as he relives the associated water spritz mentally. 

... Going unchecked is more like it. He doesn't want to lose control and indulge his darker inclinations. He seems to be in a constant battle over himself, but he can't deny that the knowledge and skills he's acquired as of late help. Also, the weed. He doesn't want to admit that he blazes it, should people view him as a stoner. Sometimes a dude has batshit thought processes and chemical imbalances, and he just needs to chill the fuck out. His friends don't give a shit- if anything, they're supportive. Knowing that Dave isn't in the same boat but an adjacent one is reassuring, along with the fact that Jake actually thinks the aftermath of obnoxious citrus cologne smells nice. 

Anyway, he had an exhausting but good day. He doesn't even need external assistance in hitting the hay tonight. He's out cold at an hour early for him and stays that way until the twelveth time his phone rings. He groans, disoriented as he fumbles around to locate it. The screen is blindingly bright, and he habitually puts on his shades instead of remembering that he can dim it. He answers, but doesn't even get a chance to speak.

"Dirk!!! Hey, buddy! How are you? Everything okie dokes over there?"

...

      "Dude, what? It’s four in the morning."

"So it is, haha! I was just... passing through the neighborhood and thought I'd check in!"

      "... Why? There's no reason to be coming over this late... Are you seriously flying the distance of Sweden in the middle of the night just for a bromantic exchange?"

"You got me. I'm a regular dunce, making such foolishly frivolous decisions! Anyway, I'm about fifteen minutes from your casa as we speak!"

      "Don't pull that shit; you're a fucking genius. Just spit it out, man. What's wrong?"

"... If it’s all the same, I'd prefer to do the spitting in person."

...

       "Yeah, of course. Uh, meet you outside?"

"Ay ay, captain!"

He ends the call, and Dirk just lays there for a moment, fighting the urge to go back to sleep as he ponders the exchange. He eventually hauls himself up, cracking his joints and then pulling his jammies off their hangers. He spends the remainder of the time fixing his hair before heading out the door. 

It’s pretty weird, standing in dead silence in the dark until a dude comes flying at you. There's no reason to anticipate said dude's tacklehug, though it's not unlike him. He barely avoids being bowled over as Jake clings to him like a lifeline. 

      "... Good to see you, too. Wanna fill me in?"

"Not really," he mumbles into his tiddy, trembling. Dirk’s getting increasingly worried. 

...

       "Not gonna lie, this is substantial cause for concern."

"I'll tell you, I just- need a minute, if you don't mind..."

       "It's fine... Those new boxers?"

"Yeah."

       "Nice. Very classy."

"Heh, thanks."

       "Anytime."

They stand there in silence for a while, Dirk trying his best to provide comfort. Jake hardly detaches from him when they go in.

       "Do you, uh, want a drink? I can microwave some water."

"No, but thanks all the same. Sorry for interrupting those much-needed Z's..."

Dirk shrugs, flopping onto the couch.

       "Doesn't matter. What does is the top-secret intel you're withholding. Lay it on me."

He lays on him, resuming the hug. Dirk doesn't really know what he expected.

"... Please don’t die," he sobs under his breath, voice cracking.

...

        "Ok."

"I'm serious!!! Do- Do you know how much you mean to us?! To me? You matter far more than you think you do! You are not a bad person, and life is not better off without you!!!!!"

...

       "Splinter nightmare?"

He nods, tightening his hold. He's still shaking like a chihuahua.

      "They suck gorilla gonads... but look, that's not  _our_ reality. I have no intention of going anywhere."

"You- You left a note-"

He breaks down, sobbing harder. Dirk is at a loss for what to do aside from trying to console him. He's always picking up the slack from his fuck-up splinters, isn't he? It's hard not to hate yourself when you can see everything every iteration of you has ever done, but he's working on it... Right now, he's just trying not to join Jake in the tearfest. 

      "Whatever happened there isn't happening here. I promise I won't pull that shit."

"I know, I know that it wasn't the "real" you and I'm being an overdramatic animatic... I guess I just realized out of nowhere that you could have been thinking the same things as him with me none the wiser! I'm bungs at reading people, and you do that thing where you ball up your dirty laundry and hide it, but you can tell us if you aren't feeling up to snuff!! Please tell us! Tell someone competent, at least. You don't have to suffer in silence. You don't deserve to! You deserve to be well..."

      "Jake, I swear, I'm fine, and if I couldn't handle the situation, I'd get help. Please, don't worry... Everything’s ok. I'm so fucking sorry for putting you through-"

He stiffens as he's mentally spritzed again. Damn Draxel and their Pavlov-level conditioning.

"Don’t blame yourself for things you didn't do! It's out of your control."

       "Yeah, I know... Force of habit."

...

"I'm sorry... Thank you for being alive."

       "No prob."

"I appreciate all that you've done for me, and you're a real gem of a human being. We wouldn't have survived, let alone won, without you, but you could have contributed nothing tangible and still been just as important! You're one of my best friends ever, and you get me on a level that no one else can... I wouldn't trade you for a whole flippin' universe!"

      "... Likewise.

...

       Fuck, I'm terrible at this. I don’t know how to damage-control if-"

"You don't have to do anything, honest! I... suppose I just wanted to subject you to my sentiments in the flesh while using you as a tissue. Get it off my chest and put it on yours instead, heh... Sort of an asshat move now that I think of it."

He laughs softly, continuing to rub his back. Jake has calmed down, so it seems to be working.

       "What you said earlier is what I'd tell you if I wasn't shit at finding the right words. You matter, too- way, way more than you think- and you've had a positive impact on so many people. Look... I'm never going to be a hundred percent. Some days, I really do want to decapitate myself, but I know better. I get through it, and then I try to avoid ending up in that situation again. 

       You have all sorts of unfair bullshit to deal with, but if you're ever feeling low, know that it will pass. I'm here for you, too- we all are. We're one, big, fucked-up family, and it's ok to ask for help. No man is an island- you don't have to rough it alone."

"Thank you..."

       "Also, I love you. Just FYI."

"I love you too, Dirk- so friggin' much."

...

       "If there's nothing left to talk about, I'm gonna hit the hay. You’re welcome to stay; just wake me if another one of my boogeymen antagonizes you."

He pours himself a glass of water and tosses his dirty tank in the laundry basket, but not until he lets the contaminant blow his nose into it a couple times. Jake helps himself to his own glass, then scoots next to him in bed embarrassedly. He offers another guilt-induced apology, to which Dirk responds by smushing his face back against his tiddy. It doesn't take long for them to fall asleep.


	20. Chapter 20

There are three types of dreams that a player trapped in canon limbo can encounter: memories of their past or one of their alternate selves' pasts, ghostly dream bubbles, and normal brain hallucinations. They're neither good nor bad as a whole, but Jake counts himself lucky when he has dreamless slumbers. As a hope player who grew up projecting into fantasy, his imagination can be just a tad too much.

The ones with Brain Ghost Dirk are pleasant enough, as he has the decency to inform him of his state as soon as he manifests. Then comes the active dreamscape shaping, which Real Dirk would probably find terrifying. It’s sort of an aspect playground for him, using his powers to alter reality. He's become confident enough to start experimenting in small ways during waking hours.

It’s just another wild adventure until he spots a familiar-looking fishman.

"Mister Erisol, is that you?!"

The boy jumps, whirling around. He bears an expression of confusion and disdain.

     "I don't knoww wwho you're talkin' about, but I'm pretty sure no vversion of me wwould willin'ly associate with the likes of… you," he gestures. Jake ignores the second half of his sentence, frolicking over to initiate a hug. Eridan draws his wand, backing up.

"Oh, this is so wonderful!!! I've always wanted to meet your halves separately," he beams.

     "... Halvves?"

           "You should quit while you're ahead. Remember how much they hated each other?"

"I've no idea what you're referring to," he chirps, cheerfully deflecting blasts of magic.

           "Yes, you do."

"Nope! No siree. So, your name is… ?"

     "Wwhat's it to you?! Stop actin' like wwe're chummy and leavve me be."

"I'm just trying to be friendly! You look like you could use a pal, considering you're out on your lonesome here."

     "... Eridan Ampora."

"A pleasure, Mister Ampora! I'm Jake."

He ignores the offered hand but tucks his wand away.

     "Wwait… You called me Erisol, and you're not one of the original humans. Wwhat's the deal wwith that?"

"Glad you asked!"

           "Jake."

"I'm from the post-Scratch session! In a doomed timeline, a jester showed up one day and programmed my alternate self's sprite with your lower half and a fella with four horns. Then he accidentally hitched a ride with the inhabitants of the planet that escaped my buddy's retcon. The poor bugger was so unhappy that Dirk here- er, Other Dirk- took pity on him and divided them to go back to the afterlife. He was quite endearing while he was around, though..."

…

     "FUCK! THAT _BASTARD_ -"

              "Alright, let's chill for a sec. You’re obviously not the same guy- you don't even have his memories."

      "I'm just picturin' the horror. Sol is a monstrosity to deal wwith from a distance! To think I wwas sentenced to such a horrible fate, servvin' a lowwblooded, landwwellin' human idiot..."

"... Say, why don't you tell me about yourself!"

      "Wwhy?!"

"Because I'm a nosy son of a gun."

     "... I have a gun. It’s swweet."

"Can I see?!"

He complies reluctantly, trying to mask his pride when Jake admires it.

"Hot diggity, now THAT- that is beautiful."

     "Thanks."

He grins at his reflection in the metal, and Eridan relents.

     "Suppose there's no harm in sharin' more... I used to cull lusii for my ex-moirail to placate her death-bringin' eldritch."

           "The big white monsters."

"Yeowza! My island was infested with those… I wasn't brave or skilled enough to slay any, sans friendly fairy bulls on accident. Still feel bad about that, heh…"

     "I'm a Prince, and my lusus wwas a seahorse."

           "Nice."

     "I tried convvincin' my session to forge an alliance wwith Noir in an attempt to savve our asses from the omnipotent Lord. And wwhen my ex and Sol tried to stop me from defectin' on my owwn, I shot them. I shot Kan in the aftermath, but then she came back and sawwed me in half, so I guess wwe're even..."

…

…

…

           "That's beyond fucked up," he remarks casually.

     "I KNOWW. I'vve had, wwhat, an eternity to regret it?"

           "Do you, though? Doesn't sound like it."

"Apologies, but I agree. It seems that the only part you regretted was dying…"

      "Go awway."

…

      "I wwas... vvain. Too proud and cold for friendships, thought I kneww best, alwways pityin' myself and feelin' entitled… I looked down on evveryone except Fef, just because she wwas a fellow aquatic highblood. Fuck, I barely evven _livved_ in the wwater… I don't think I did anything right in the game; apparently I wwasn't evven supposed to kill the angels of my land-"

"This sort of angel?"

He summons one, and Eridan yelps, quickly retrieving his gun and firing away. Jake poofs it out of existence before any damage can be done.

           "Holy shit, you’re hopeless."

     "I knoww," he sighs.

           "It's a choice, though. You don't have to be your own worst enemy, or anyone else's for that matter."

"... I think I can help you."

     "Wwaste a' time."

"Dirk, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

            "Can't not read your thoughts, but the OG wouldn't be down for this."

"I can handle any ramifications."

     "Don't evven wwant your help. Just let me wwalloww in self-pity for the rest of eternity."

"Nope!" he grins, poofing a Billy Bass robot into existence. "Ready?"

     "Wwhat are you-"

Dirk channels his soul into the device with ease.

…

     "Fuck you~" it sings, flopping its head and tail helplessly against the mount.

"Don’t fret; you're just going to therapy! Then I'll send you back here to reconcile with your co-players. You can do it, my fishy fellow! I believe in you."

     "Fuck you... I'd rather be stuck sharing a body wwith Sol~"

            "Ok, this is fucking hilarious. I'm gonna wake you up now."

He does so, and Jake opens his eyes to find himself facing his creation. It immediately starts singing curses, and Dirk nearly falls out of bed.

            "... What in the everloving _fuck_?"


	21. Chapter 21

    "I think that's enough candles. Terezi, would you do the honors?"

        "W4ST3 OF CH4LK," she mutters, proceeding to draw a particularly shitty circle around the perimeter of the room. Rose hits the lights with a flick of her wand. Miraculously, they aren't destroyed in the process.

     "Please, seat yourselves so we can begin."

                "This is pure bs. There's no reason to invite goddamn Satan to our slumber party," Dave mumbles, huddled near the door with Jake and Karkat. Dirk stops pretending to exorcize his fish long enough to offer reassurance.

                      "Don’t worry; even if that shit was real, we're not doing a single thing right. Any hypothetical demons that receive the invite would be beyond miffed."

                "... How's that supposed to make me feel better?" he manages.

                      "They'd be so miffed that they wouldn't even bother with us?"

     "It’s all ironic."

...

                "You guys are weird as hell."

     "Thank you."

                       "Thanks."

"... So, we definitely won't be encountering a single spook?" Jake whispers to John, as if afraid that they'll manifest if they hear him. Aradia darts over, grinning.

            "I can summon some lost troll souls for us! Do you have preferences?"

There is a collective rejection of Aradia's offer. Like with most things, she's not phased by it.

                  "There’s literally nothing fun about dead people... I've had more than a lifetime's worth of listening to angsty teen ghosts and their regrets," Sollux states apathetically, feeling out the Billy Bass Dirk is holding as emphasis.

                        "Stop pokin' me, pissblood~"

                  "You can't feel it. Don’t be hemophobic AND ableist."

                        "You're fulla shit~ Decent blind people don't go gropin' wwithout permission~"

        "TH3 ONLY R34SON 1 H4V3N'T T4ST3D YOU 1S B3C4USE YOU SM3LL L1KE ST1NKY F1SH NOW."

           "Tz doesn't rep the majority."

Both interjections are ignored.

                  "Yeah, yeah, but this isn't a body and I wouldn't be blind without you."

                        "I said I was sorry, asshole~ You'd also still be hearin' everyone's last wwords, so you’re wwelcome~"

                   "Thanks? Hah, holy shit, your face is so stupid. I can’t bee-leave he bothered giving you a mechanical jaw."

"Actually, they're all made like that! Just added a camera and audio doohickey, heheh."

                       "It can be reprogrammed with other voices and songs," Dirk adds nonchalantly.

                  "Oh, fuck yes."

                           "Wwhy wwould you tell him that~"

     "If you're done bullshitting," Rose interrupts, "I would like to conduct this "experiment" already so we can get on with the night's festivities, namely sleep."

           "Says the chick who spent, like, twenty minutes makin' poor Mom void all this shit into existence for no reason."

              "Nah, s'cool! Saves a lotta moolah that way. Y'all, I'm fuckin' HYPED. Demon-o Summorino-"

  "Were you losers _really_ going to party without me????????"

Panic and chaos immediately ensue. Someone yells "How did she get in?!" while another asks how she found out. Eridan is chucked in her general direction.

        "GUYS, CH1LL. SH3 D1D TH3 HUM4N P1NKY PROM1S3 NOT TO C4US3 SH3N4N4GINS, 4ND W3 4LL KNOW TH4T 1S TH3 MOST B1ND1NG CONTR4CT. SH3 D1DN'T 3V3N CROSS H3R F1NG3RS- 1 SN1FF3D."

  "Yeah! C'mon, I'll 8e good~ 8esides, it was rude to leave just ME out."

                   "I don't trust like that."

 "And I don't care. Anyway, you need me! How many Light players does it t8ke to run this kind of thing? More than one, o8viously."

     "... Fine, but if you so much as think about starting shit, it will not end well for you."

As if a hivemind, they all start snapping their fingers in ominous unison, sparking various powers.

  "AUGH, NOT THE TH8NOS GANG!!!!!!!!"

She falls to her knees, hands on her head. That seems to assure them of their control over the situation, and they gradually stop until Terezi is the only one left, like the last person clapping in an auditorium.

          "Why are _you_ snapping?" John asks, raising a brow. "You're the one who invited her!"

        "1T'S TOO C4TCHY," she grins.

  "... We good now? Had your fun? Good. Here's the deal-"

She scoots into the ring, folding her legs and lifting a candle to her chin to illuminate her face. She pauses for dramatic effect, then lowers her voice to a whisper.

  "Ultimate. Selves."

Several people lose their shit. Dirk and Jane cling to each other reflexively. She cackles.

  "I'm ascending from this world, which is why I know that I'm the only person in this timeline who still can. It’s ok! No one's judging except me, and you can totally 8ecome normal 8astards."

     "If I remember correctly, you hated your alternate self," Rose remarks.

  "Yeah, kinda! A little. I thought she was 8eing stupid, but now that I'm Enlightened, I get it! She was _just a kid_. Kids do lots of dum8 shit, like wearing hideous clothes and killing their friends!"

                         "Wword~"

  "Plus, she wasn't 8ad. She improved or whatever, and she might've even 8een happy... As much as it pains me to admit, I think that she's actually m8king _me_ a 8etter person???????? Get this: I won't try to control you guys unless you completely fuck over the new universe!"

                   "Thanks, really."

           "Spiders Vris is a statistical outlier. No one else would benefit from becoming their ult self," Dave weed-vapes. He's calmed down from the initial terror.

  "That's what I was going to say 8efore I was interrupted. Again. The point is, I'm starting to understand literally everything. _Everything!_ So I decided to 8less you knowledge seekers with my presence. No need to thank me."

     "It's a good thing Roxy chose LED candles. We may be here for a while."

  "Ooh, yeah, we should do the summoning shit first! You've heard of strife fraymotifs, 8ut did you know that there are other kinds? When you're in sync with the players around you, everyone's potential increases eightfold!

  … Roxy, I know you don't trust me, and I can't 8lame you for associating me with my dancestor. As a peace offering, do you want to see your poor, sweet, precious Fefeta again?"

              "... You’re shiddin' me. There's no way that's possible; she poofed, so she's gone for good. 'Sides, I don't wanna drag her halves outta their happily ever after... and I ain't settin' foot near the clown fridge."

  "You won't have to! That's the 8eauty of it. Jape- Sorry, Jake- you can help her. You just have to 8elieve enough!"

"Er, believe in what, exactly?"

  "8elieve in the her that 8elieves in you! You'll mirror her power and allow her to manifest what normally lies outside of the void. Kanaya, you and the other green space nerds can- Actually, you know what? Everyone join hands! The more teamwork the 8etter. We're stronger together!"

...

                 "Goddamn, Skaia really did do you good."

   "... To 8e honest, the 8lah therapy's helping."

With a bit of squabbling, they manage to get everyone to comply. Eridan is included only semi-ironically.

  "Excellent! 8y our powers com8ined, we invoke Roxy’s memory and 8ring it to life. We lend our energy to the modific8tion of reality!!!!!!!!"

At this point, the group is on edge and slightly more afraid of Nice Vriska than the original. They comply, though, if only for Roxy’s sake. Jake goes avatar, their linked hands begin to glow, and the misshapen ring of chalk suddenly closes in, spinning itself smooth and turning the flecks of dust into a spirograph. Those who have their eyes closed are unphased, and they collectively continue until a series of events triggers the recreation of Fefetasprite through the portal. Everything stops at once.

She looks around with a confused expression. Roxy leaps to her feet and runs to hug her ghostly guide. Karkat has a sudden epiphany, snapping out of his shock.

       "BE CAREFUL!!! SHE MIGHT NOT BE HERSELF ANYMORE. HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE MOVIES WHERE PEOPLE COME BACK FROM THE DEAD AND TURN EVIL?!"

It's too late to heed his warning, but she probably wouldn't have anyway. Everyone watches in baited silence until the girl snaps out of her shock and reciprocates. As usual, only Roxy can hear her, but tears are shed over the heartwarming scene regardless.


End file.
